Medication or Psychosis

I’ve been having a rough time lately, so I started taking Risperidone again – 1mg per night.

But on Wednesday I was feeling weird. Feeling unconnected to my emotions and later in the day my body. This led to me self-harming at about 10pm and going to the Urgent Care facility. (Luckily, it was not as serious as it looked and no medical intervention was necessary. It is all healing now quite readily.)

I was unsure from where this disconnected feeling had come – I thought it was due to the Risperidone, taking away my desire, volition and emotions. So I cut down to 1/2mg a night.

But life always kicks you when you are down. On Friday I had two disappointments. One was a very nasty shock. I started to deteriorate again. Well, I say deteriorate – I was in floods of tears.

So I went back up to 1mg.

And on Sunday I was feeling disconnected again – and thinking of self harm again – it sounded interesting, intriguing

And yet – could it be psychosis and not the drug?

Or a combination of the two.

There was unbidden laughter at one point – one of the symptoms of psychosis.

In short – I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

If ONLY I were under the care of CMHT

BUT THEY FU*KING DISMISSED ME

TWATS!

I seriously do not know what to do.

In the meantime – maybe I’ll be visiting the urgent care again tonight.