Lucky not to be Damaged

My schizoaffective disorder leads me into dangerous waters at times. Many times I have indulged in self-harm, and other times very risky behaviour.

Fortunately, even when I have been at my most wild I have still had a sense of self-preservation. Before cutting I find out where the main arteries are so that I avoid them. Even when overcome with distress, anger, frustration I am still able to think – will this be permanent? will I be able to heal from this?

The other day I went out running naked and barefoot. It was a freezing cold morning, literally. My feet became numb with cold so that I didn’t feel the damage I was doing to my feet running on hard, rough pavements. When I got home the only damage I had was a few blisters. But it could have been so much worse, I might even have got frostbite.

These sorts of things can happen any day, any time. I feel like I’m living with a time bomb that one day will go off and I’ll find myself permanently damaged.

I realise that I have been lucky, so far.

But I have to live life to the full.


About augustusnds

I did the normal things people do - worked in an office, bought a house, fell in love, but my love would not marry me, she left me. After this it all spiralled out of control, went mad and ended up in hospital, more than once. So I changed tack, gave up the day job and became an entertaininer: writing, producing and performing my own one-person-shows as well as songs, poems and videos. To see some of what I do look at And I search for a way to be happy in a world that doesn't understand me, as you can see in some of my blogs.
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1 Response to Lucky not to be Damaged

  1. Liz says:

    I was lucky too… no permanent damage. But I also got out of the addiction before it got to that point. I know other people who did not

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