My schizoaffective disorder leads me into dangerous waters at times. Many times I have indulged in self-harm, and other times very risky behaviour.
Fortunately, even when I have been at my most wild I have still had a sense of self-preservation. Before cutting I find out where the main arteries are so that I avoid them. Even when overcome with distress, anger, frustration I am still able to think – will this be permanent? will I be able to heal from this?
The other day I went out running naked and barefoot. It was a freezing cold morning, literally. My feet became numb with cold so that I didn’t feel the damage I was doing to my feet running on hard, rough pavements. When I got home the only damage I had was a few blisters. But it could have been so much worse, I might even have got frostbite.
These sorts of things can happen any day, any time. I feel like I’m living with a time bomb that one day will go off and I’ll find myself permanently damaged.
I realise that I have been lucky, so far.
But I have to live life to the full.