On Thursday my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) told me that I am being discharged, that he won’t be visiting me anymore.
This came as a bit of a shock. I have been seeing him every two weeks since 2011.
I live on my own and he is the one person that keeps an eye on me to make sure that I am not going off the rails. I do have contact with friends or relatives most days, but none of them has the insight into my condition that would enable them to know when I am in danger. So the loss of my CPN, I feel, puts me at a much greater risk.
One problem is that I get frightened of asking for help. There might be a phone number I can ring (the crisis team perhaps), but I fear that I am wasting their time, or that they will turn around and say that they won’t help me. This fear means that I am unable to make that call.
The other side is when I am manic or psychotic I don’t know that there is anything wrong with me. In fact I may feel wonderful. This is the time when I need someone who knows my condition to guide me to some form of help. To be left to my own devices puts me in some very risky and vulnerable positions.
But they are taking my CPN away – and I am worried about what the future may hold.
Augustus is in Two Minds 