Yesterday I was hypomanic, or possibly real manic, or maybe a bit psychotic. Whichever it is, I was proper mad.
In the afternoon I was working on tidying the studio, but I had in my mind that I was going to do some self-harm – proper self-harm. It would have to be later, though, as I was going to the crossword club at 4pm for a couple of hours. In preparation for the SH I sharpened my kitchen knife.
When I got back from crosswording (I know, that isn’t a word, you can’t just add -ing to a noun to make it a verb) I ate my burrito and didn’t feel elated anymore. So I went out in the garden in the nude to get some FEELING into my skin – it is Autumn here and the temperature was about 10*C. So the cold on my skin made me feel good again.
I practiced the SH with just a light touch, then changed tack and drew what I wanted to do on me – it was to be diagonal cuts all down the right-hand side of my body. But instead of doing that I went and shaved off half my hair – the hair on the right hand side of my head. I was laughing as I did it. Laughing madly.
After that I went to bed, I had used a lot of energy and I felt tired.
But what is going on? Why have I got this ‘war’ against the right side of me? When I woke in the night (about 1am) I was considering cutting the right hand side arm / leg off all my clothes. Why?
It’s like psychosis – where a person has an unusual but very strong belief – except that I don’t know what the belief is. Somewhere in my mixed up mind there is an idea that something is wrong with my right hand side, but my crazy mixed up mind hasn’t deigned to tell ME what that idea is.
Or is this what having mania is like?
Maybe I have hit on something here – that mania is like psychosis without the reasoning.
I don’t know.